Where Am I Going?

There has been enormous confusion with my blog, my website, trying to coordinate all the social networking sites, etc. I don't even want to waste space explaining it, but...I hope some of you find this blog and comment here and there. I don't know who is reading it, and I am not "with it" enough technologically to run all this without considerable help. I'm grateful to have some smart, enthusiastic friends who help out. After reposting my year-end blog from 2009 (due to needing to change hosting/access info), I thought about what I wanted to say now that 2010 is under way. How about the title of the first song on my debut CD (called CLOSE TO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL), which is "Where Am I Going?" The CD is almost finished, and I have it sequenced the way I like, and I'm starting it off with this older song that I still relate to. It asks that universal question...where am I going? And I sure don't know. My adventure with Up in the Air has made it impossible to predict anything from here on out. I am anxious to get my CD out there, to reach more people, to keep writing new songs. It's an exciting time, but paradoxically there is a deep sort of loneliness that goes with it, an ongoing uncertainty. I miss my mom terribly, and I don't get to see most of my friends as often as I'd like. A different side of me has emerged in the past year, and I am trying to get to know that person. It's not always easy. But I do know that I want to play music, and affect people in a good way, and be able to pay my bills. All of those things are "up in the air," but I'm putting forth the effort. And I'm hoping this year will keep bringing me surprises, and showing me the road ahead. I don't know where it's going...but I'm in motion. And I feel e-motion as I follow this strange road...

Farewell, 2009: A Summary of What Went Down...

My friends and family know what happened to me in 2009, but those of you who are looking into my music or reading about me for the first time probably only know that my "Up in the Air" song made it into Jason Reitman's movie this year. I always get sentimental at the end of the year, and I try to take stock of the good and the bad from that year. So I need to say right here, right now, Farewell to the worst year of my life. I'm not being ungrateful or anything; I am thrilled about "Up in the Air" and the opportunity it has given me to start my long dreamed-of music career, if indeed I'm going to have one. But the fact is, I started this year as a sad, unemployed statistic, with only the music I was playing offering me any kind of respite. I was on shaky ground, and when my beloved mother took a horrible fall on Feb. 15, the ground got shakier. I watched my mom struggle for two months, desperately hoping she would recover from her accident. I practically lived at St. John's Hospital during that time. Mom died on April 14, and it completely brought to a halt the kind of life I was living, and the particular type of motivation I had. I won't overindulge in verbal sulking right now, but it was the worst event of my life, and it sent me on a downward spiral for many months. Our family home for decades had to be sold, I had to go through reams of personal items to rescue precious archives, and then in the heat of the summer, I had to move out of my condo in Brentwood Forest to the house that my friend Annalise miraculously allowed me to rent under lenient conditions. I had no money, bills were piling up, and emotionally, I was a wreck. And then in August, I got an email stating that the UP IN THE AIR producers wanted to use my song, a song I'd submitted to them on cassette back in February before my mom's accident. Since I got that email, there has been some new hope, I've started recording my debut CD, and I've had wonderful responses from all over about my song. I am deeply grateful to Jason Reitman, the star of the year for me, and the most unlikely of saviors. My future looks alot more interesting now. But...I remain deeply, profoundly sad about the loss of my mom, my family home, and a certain outlook I once had about life. I am not the same person I was at the beginning of this year. I am dedicated to music above all else right now, and I hope to touch people with my songs to an even greater extent in the coming year. I don't know what lies ahead. But I'll work hard to utilize this opportunity I've got, and if there is another realm out there, one where my mom is watching from, I hope to make her proud. Anyway, goodbye, 2009. I want to thank some special people who made a difference to me for the better this past year. Besides Mr. Reitman, I thank Annalise Raziq for her profoundly rich and empathetic friendship, and for doing the most to save my sorry self with shelter and support this year. Jim Ford, thanks for kicking the door open to this musical adventure. Joe Blakemore and Jason Henry of The Grove Deli, thanks for giving me a place to hone my craft and earn some fans. We have had lots of fun playing there! Ned and Kathy, thanks for being my dedicated musical sidekicks. To my dear old friends Karen, Melinda, Julie and Maureen, all of you came through for me at the worst of times, and I'm deeply grateful. Maureen, I'm SO glad you were able to bring my mom to two of my gigs at The Grove...that means more to me than I can say. To Gretchen Hewitt, the wizardly John Sobocan, Ted Moniak, Brian Capps, Rena Stephens, Brett and Barry Brazier, and Debra Mitchell, I offer my heartfelt thanks for the moments of support, camaraderie, magic and escapism that you all offered in your various unique, memory-making ways. To Robynn Ragland, there's not enough I can say to express my gratitude for your offer to become my manager, and the tireless hours you've put in to launch this unexpected and truly unpredictable odyssey; will a simple "thank you" suffice for now, boss? To all of you who came to my shows in 2009 or offered encouragement, thank you so very much. I promise to keep getting better and making the best music I can. I can't say that I feel particularly together right now or even particularly happy. But I cherish my friends, I am thrilled to be making music, and I will do my best to go forward with determination and creative energy. So, bring on 2010. A safe and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you, my friends...